Chat: It's Fate - Mrs Dolittle

Next up is Mrs Dolittle's column. As you can probably guess from her pseudonym, Mrs Dolittle talks to the animals. Not for her, however, the time-honoured tradition of talking to an animal by vocalising speech sounds, waiting for it to meow, bark or squeak, and then cooing "oh, he thinks he's people!" No, Mrs Dolittle communicates with animals psychically. She meditates quietly and tunes into what animals are thinking. She goes into a trance to tap into your pet’s thought processes. She brain-rapes them, essentially. Let's not sugarcoat this.

This month, Mrs Dolittle is forcibly inserting her mind into a hen.

 

Mrs Dolittle

Or rather, several hens, starting with Henry who tells Mrs D about how wonderful it is to submit to her partner, the cockerel Bertie (who , Mrs D notes with with stunning insight, 'is rather cocky'). 'The hens accepted that their cockerel was the boss,' she says admiringly.

She moves on to a broody hen, Francine, sitting on a clutch of eggs, who has a 'feeling of relaxed purpose’. Mrs Dolittle asks her if she’s bored and gets the reply ‘Not boring at all. Youngster to hatch, very important.’ So charmed is Mrs D by this ‘wonderful experience’, she tells us she will communicate with her whenever she is stressed.

Through Mrs Dolittle, C:IF is promoting its sly anti-feminist agenda that women should submit to their men and will never be happier than when fulfilling their maternal duties. C:IF wants us barefoot and pregnant and chained to the wall of the barn.

Ignoring this misogyny, I pressed on. There is a lack of chickens in south London so I chose to commune with an animal more commonly found here: a squirrel. Specifically, Ceiling Squirrel, who lives in our loft and likes to scrabble around noisily in the evenings.

Earlier this evening, I sat back on the sofa, closed my eyes, and waited. Sure enough, within minutes there was a tell-tale pattering and thumping overhead. 'Hello?' I thought very hard. 'HELLO?' Nothing. I wondered if Ceiling Squirrel had heard me and was translating my thoughts into Squirrelese and forming a response. This could be slow. This could be like using chat rooms on a dial-up connection in 1995. From up above, nothing but the sound of tiny paws scuttling around. Thump. Bang. Clamber, scramble, tumble, CRASH.

'I wish you would be quiet, Ceiling Squirrel!' I thought loudly.

And suddenly, Ceiling Squirrel came though. 'No, you don't,' he psychically replied, 'because that would mean I was dead. Then you'd have to deal with my stinking rotten corpse. FUCK YOU. I’m going to fuck shit up in here until the end of your tenancy.'

I ended the connection. No-one needs a squirrel cursing directly into their brain. Some people may see this exchange as me projecting my thoughts about our loft-dwelling pest. I assure you, it is not. Ceiling Squirrel spoke to me. There is no real evidence for this, but it is a fact.

CONCLUSIONS

I need to tell the landlord about the You Know What in the You Know Where. (Shh. He can hear you.)

Comments

[Flamingo Dancer]

[this is good]

This had me laughing - superb!

We have a baby bird somewhere in the trees outside and it chirps ALL DAY! I keep mentally threatening it "I am going to tip you out of your nest if you don't shut up soon!" and now you are telling me it knows!!!!! So it is chirping just to irritate me more?

[Jando]

[this is good] I think you need to refer to C:IF for a solution to your problem.  It is evident to me that Ceiling Squirrel has been POSSESSED by the spirit of Tupac Shakur - hence the cussing.  There must be a way of exorcising him.

[fox in the snow]

FD: exactly this. Try tuning into the mother bird to find some inner peace.

Jando: I'm going to play some Notorious B.I.G. in the living room. That'll put the wind up him.

[Kate]

[this is good] This week, Mrs Dolittle was communing with a two-week old DEAD hamster, who is now in the spirit world "completely immersed in deep thinking and spiritual meditation".

There is nothing I do not love about this magazine.

[Gamba]

[this is good] BWAHAHAHAHA!  Kate's comment also.

[plubby]

Ooh that cheered me and lovely colleague up.  I read it to her and did the psychic squirrel cuss voice and everything - between giggles.

[fox in the snow]

Kate: mission for next year: get Mrs Dolittle to answer one of our letters. "My pony is quite distressed when I daub glitter on his face: why is this?"

Gamba: you need a copy of this for your travels. It will keep you amused for hours.

Plubby: I love that you read it out loud and did the voices. You can tell it's a Friday afternoon.

[EmFlem]

[ﻩﺫﺍ ﻩﻭ ﺎﻠﺤﻜﻣ] I can't believe I missed this post? HOW? WHY? It's the best thing I've ever read in my life! THIS IS TRES GOOD.

[fox in the snow]

I might have to restart C:IF Girl. I also might have to do something about Ceiling Squirrel, who seems to have moved some of his friends in.

[EmFlem]

I love it that you think it's a squirrel when my immediate reaction would be POLTERGEIST!!!11!!!

I think I might be C:IF's target audience.

[star]

wow i cant believe that i real person can communicate with animals i can communicate with my dog but he has been with be for 7 yeards now also he was im bad shape so i got some medications from Online Pharmacy

[fox in the snow]

Cutest. Spammer. Ever.

[dirty B]

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